....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
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