i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
