please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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