She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
