All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
