Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
