I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
