i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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