Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
