so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
