Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize