My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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