Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
