he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
