I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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