Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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