There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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