from now on my penis is your penis
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
