He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
