She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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