So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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