I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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