a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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