kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
