A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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