i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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