maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
