Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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