do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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