His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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