u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
worst night to have a conscience
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
