Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
