I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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