You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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