I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
