he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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