my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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