I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
