i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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