god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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