I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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