She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize