he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
