Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
