The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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