Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
