I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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