It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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