You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
