call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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