Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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