i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
