My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
