The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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