Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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