Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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