I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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