guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just blew my weed a kiss
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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