I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
