We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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