Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I wear drunk well.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
