We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
