that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
