Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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